The Battle of the Clive

by Campbell Jenkins
September 1, 2023

Picture this: Emerging from your respective yurt, you are overcome with a sensation you have known since the dawn of your time, a common denominator that effects all. Making your way through the sleepy Arcadian yurt village, you move swiftly, as the ever-increasing need begins to take hold of your psyche. Passing through the stoic beings adorned with pine needles and dressed in bark, you find yourself facing Clivus Multrum, the composting toilet that is the cornerstone of life at Arcadia.

Every Thursday a few lucky students are tasked with tending to the Clive. As the chore group heads toward the imposing green structure, moans and groans accompany each step. The Clive is not a fun chore, but nevertheless it must be done. Cleaning the Clive is not for the faint of heart; it is a job that requires the strong and not so squeamish. The first task is bilging the poop steeped in urine, colloquially called “pea tea,” and dispersing it somewhere in the forest far from the trail and any water source. Next involves the smelliest part, raking and dousing the fecal matter with water to facilitate decomposition. After that, all the grunt work is done and all that is left to do is sweep each stall, refill woodchips to sprinkle in after you go number two, empty the trash, and evict spider friends by knocking down cobwebs.

Carefully making your way down the treacherous forest path, you are faced with a decision that will determine the direction your life will follow: do you choose Left Clive or Right Clive? Each side is valid and respected in its own way, so you must balance the benefits of each.

Those who choose the left are the watchful guardians of Arcadia even in their most vulnerable state. The lefters sit atop a wooden throne with a breathtaking landscape to greet them as they open the lid to the belly of the beast. While they take watch through the left’s many windows, the words of those who came before encompass them in a welcoming warmth as only a sisterhood of the Clive can.

You think to the Right Clive, which overlooks Tenderfoot Cove in its careful, clean order. The right stall is adorned with accoutrements such as the “Prepare to Unload” sign from the Big Tupper Ski Area and other secrets that reside within the numerous quotations that decorate the plywood walls. When you shut Right Clive’s door, you are also greeted with a fantastical mural of an amorphous shape envelops the door with colors that spiral out.

At this point you may be wondering why this is a subject of debate in Arcadian society. The subject of which side you use appears to have been an inaugural topic spanning many generations at Arcadia. This is the first topic individuals could have a passionate opinion on outside the political landscape we left behind (and at much lower stakes). People love to debate, question, and engage each other in conversation, whether it be about if a hot dog is a sandwich or not, so when you throw the option of Clive stalls into a conversation, it is a no brainer.

Anyone who has spent time in Arcadia holds an opinion on the Clive. Take current ADKer Callie Richards, who is one of the rare few who are ambidextrous, meaning she uses both stalls freely. Richards believes that both Clives offer different things and her usage patterns differ from day to day. Callie sees herself as “The Bridge between the Two Clives,” someone who can see eye to eye with whoever she encounters. Before jumping into the ADK Semester annual feud, it is important to recognize those, like Callie, who blur the line between Left Clive and Right Clive, tserving as a much-needed mediator. Additionally, which Clive you prefer does not necessarily reflect your character—you can still be a good person and prefer one over the other. Now, without further ado, onto the Battle of Left and Right!

Those who claim the left side are steadfast in their morals and intensely loyal to their Clive predecessors. Upon arrival at Arcadia, students were greeted by former students such as Roisin Creedon-Carey (ADK ’21), a left-Cliver who shared that part of the reason they loved the semester so much was because of the Clive.

It is fascinating that an inanimate object maintains such a steady hold on Arcadia. Like Roisin, Arianna Roeder-Fabos is a dedicated Left Clive connoisseur who cites her reasoning in the abundant reading material and the sisterhood that the left provides. However, when the time calls and the left is occupied, she will not hold her needs to favor one side over the other. When asked about how Ms. Roeder feels about the feud between the two Clives, she understands but dislikes its conflict. Interestingly, Ben Graham is a Left Cliver who holds a distinctly different opinion and attitude, stating that he prefers the view of the village because it allows him to “look over his kingdom.” This divergent view shows that different people choose the stalls for different reasons.

On my journalistic journey to interview a Right Cliver, I stumbled across a compatriot by the name of Cooper Anderson who provided interesting commentary on the basis of his preference. As someone who enjoys a good poop with a view, Cooper appreciates the right because it allows him to see the forest and, through the trees, the lovely Tenderfoot Cove. Additionally, when the sun shines just so, Cooper explains that the sunlight illuminates the right whereas the left is bathed in darkness. Even more so, during 6 p.m., “The Golden Hour of S****ing,” the scenery matches the quality of poop splendidly. Cooper is also one of the people who originally started in the Left but converted to the ways of the Right later. Could Cooper’s decision be due to the gorgeous lighting and stunning view he aptly described?

One thing that did separate Mr. Anderson apart from other Lefters interviewed is that he believes the feud is just getting started. Do the chosen stalls reveal certain inclinations about people? Who knows? But Sigmund Freud would sure have a field day dissecting everyone’s deepest and darkest toilet time desires. Regardless of Cooper’s anticipation of conflict and calamity or Arianna’s pacificist stance, there truly is something rotten in the state of Arcadia: the Clive.

So stay tuned, folks, because the feud is just beginning, and Clivers of both directions are solidifying their positions. At the end of the day it doesn’t really matter which Clive you choose to do your business in as long as the business gets done. So choose a side, take a seat, and don’t forget to scoop some woodchips in afterwards because we all have to do our business somewhere, so we might as well be passionate about where we do it.